Thursday, February 18, 2010

Double Up


When I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy my husband and I had a heart-to-heart with Dr. Heart about babies.
Now, I`ve never been the girl who gets gushy over babies.  They cry, they puke, they poo and they can`t make jokes.  I was convinced I would be the one to break a baby if I had to hold her.  Despite all of that, I wanted my own, but not until I was about thirty.
A few things changed since I made those plans.  My biological clock started ticking very softly when my mom-in-law was sick; we thought about starting our family so she could meet her grandbabies.  And when she was dying, we really thought about it. 
It turned out to be a good thing that we decided not to bump up our baby plans, because they didn`t find the cardiomyopathy until three months after she died.  If I got pregnant with a sick heart, I`m not sure we would have made it.
The clock got louder when I had my first snuggle with a baby.  He nuzzled into the hollow of my neck and I melted.  He was so beautiful and helpless, and he wanted me to love him.  Me.  With my past.  With my flaws.  My love was enough for this small baby.  And his love for me in that moment was so innocent and pure, with no guilt, no demands, no judgement. 
I didn`t know babies could show love until that moment.
The rapid tick-tock shocked me when Dr. Heart very gently told us that we could not get pregnant while I was taking my heart pills.  He asked what birth control we were currently using (The Pill), and told us why it was important to double-up (always use condoms or spermicidal foam as well).
The meds I needed to fix my heart were known to cause major birth defects, including under-developed skull, and could also cause foetal death.  My own heart pulled the plug on my clock.  But it was one of those old-fashioned wind-up clocks.  Daylight charged the glow-in-the-dark hands; it was the only thing I could see as I was trying to fall asleep every night.

8 comments:

  1. Makes me almost cry. I'm looking forward to hearing more on this journey.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

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  2. I was holding back the tears when I wrote this. Just remembering was hard.

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  3. What an emotional journey, very moving. Oh the roads we travel can be bittersweet.

    I clicked over from Helen's, enjoyed browsing here.

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  4. Jenn, I gave you the Circle of Friends Award today. You share so much with those who come to your blog.

    Helen
    Straight From Hel

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  5. I have stumbled across your blog via Helen's award - and well-deserved it is too. I will continue to follow you and wish all the very best whichever path you venture down.

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  6. Joanne, it was quite depressing for a while. Thanks for reading my blog.

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