Life After Death

I don’t remember much about the day my daughter was born other than what I’ve already written.

Here’s what I’ve been told: I needed two bags of blood after hemorrhaging; I knew who I was but not where, so I had a CAT scan at three in the morning to check for signs of a stroke; and at some point during all of this, possibly because of the magnesium sulphate IV drip, my heart rate dropped to seven beats per minute.

Seven beats per minute.

One of my nurses was five months pregnant, and big enough for me to notice nothing except for the baby belly. The belly set me off when I wasn’t best friends with reality.

I had a nightmare that kept my blood pressure high for days. In my nightmare, the pregnant nurse handed me a pair of scissors and told me to cut my baby. She said that every baby who was born by c-section was only allowed to survive because another baby had been scarred or killed.

If I didn’t cut my baby another baby would die. It was the circle of life. A baby before mine had died to pave the way for us. It was our turn.

It was terrifying because I honestly believed that the nurse wanted me to cut my baby’s stomach open with scissors. The nurse who was in charge of my life in the ICU.

Tim stayed with me to keep me calm and rational. He sat in an uncomfortable armchair beside my bed until I fell asleep at night, and then he slept in the Quiet Room a few feet away. He was also there for our daughter, who was stuck in NICU while I was getting better.

He rubbed my head and told me jokes. He listened to my paranoid ramblings, took my fear seriously and helped me see what was real and what was not. He picked me up out of bed, put me in a wheelchair and brought me over to our baby whenever the nurses said my blood pressure was stable enough.

His love was the only thing that dispersed my fear long enough to lower my blood pressure. His effect on me was more powerful than the labetalol they were feeding me through IV.

How did I get to be so lucky?

When I was finally moved to the maternity ward after days in the ICU, my roommate was also moved from ICU. She had preeclampsia much earlier in her pregnancy than I did, and her baby was born way before term.

She was fine, but her baby would have to stay in NICU for weeks. Her story made me want to curl up beside her in her hospital bed and brush her bangs out of her eyes. She actually lived an hour north of the hospital, and she could only stay in her room for five days. After that, she had to find a hotel, or pay per day to use the hospital’s family house.

Her little preemie was fighting for his life, trying to use his underdeveloped lungs in the incubator next to our plump little baby. Our baby was perfect; she was whole.

My roommate had to listen to our baby cry and coo when we were able to bring her into our room. She had to listen to the lactation consultant give me breastfeeding tips. She was an uninvited guest to our joyous celebration while her little baby struggled down the hall. It must have been heartbreaking.

As for me, the luckiest girl in the world, I was the live, proud new mom to a perfect baby girl. And I woke up in the hospital basically the same girl I was before I was sick. I can’t tell you if it was the drugs, the detox effect of ICU, or some kind of near-death phenomenon that righted me.

I could have basically been right after the heart meds, but didn’t give myself enough time to fully adjust before getting pregnant. Or something else was happening.

Whatever it is, here I am, the luckiest girl in the world. My husband loves me unconditionally. My baby and I are alive. I am myself again.

Life after that experience has been amazing so far.

You're Special: ICU

This is the third part in a series. You can read the first part here, and the second here.

They wheeled me right to the ICU from the recovery room after our baby was born.

My experience in ICU is actually the beginning of a very traumatic time. I’ll get to that soon, but first I want to write about seeing a specialist while you’re in a hospital bed.

When you’re conscious and alert, it’s reasonable to shoot for goals like reading cues and writing lists. When you’re wheeled into a room on a stretcher, it’s not.

There isn’t much you can do to control the situation when you don’t know where you are. My situation, being in the ICU, was extreme. Sometimes people don’t ‘know where they are’ even when they literally know where they are.

If you’re so tired/confused/fucked up that you can’t contribute in any meaningful way to your exchanges with your specialists, I have one piece of advice:

Trust them.

For the most part, doctors are competent, caring people. They know the ramifications of their mistakes. They stuck it out in torturous med school because they want help people. They would rather shove their egos into a donkey’s ass, strap that donkey on a rocket and launch it into space on a crash course with the sun, than kill you.

They work long hours trying to figure out what is wrong. They give up time with their families to keep us alive.

Most people are good people; this includes specialists. Unless something in your gut says NO!, trust is a good thing. And good or bad, trust may be your only play when you aren’t conscious.

Just because I had a really bad experience with one of the seven specialists I saw doesn’t mean it’s something everyone should be on the lookout for. It won’t necessarily happen to you.

I learned a lot about the relationship between relaxation and getting healthy in the ICU. Trust starts with letting go, relaxing your fears and erasing those negative mind-tapes. Sometimes it’s easier when you don’t have any other choice.

Of course, I always had an advocate by my side. I was the luckiest girl in the world.

Labour

When I was in labour, they monitored me and the baby very carefully. My blood pressure was high enough to induce seizures and strokes. A stroke might have killed me.

Nobody explained exactly how my baby could have died, and I refuse to look it up, but it was a very real concern.

I was admitted and induced about 3 pm on a Tuesday. I was moved to a delivery room that evening, not because I was ready to push, but because they wanted to watch the baby closely using an internal foetal monitor.

The crash cart took up so much space in that little room.

Late at night, after what seemed like forever, I gave into the pain and asked the nurses to call the anaesthesiologist. That was a nightmare. My blood was so thick and my veins so swollen, it had taken two nurses and several tries to get an IV line in my wrist that afternoon.

The anaesthesiologist could hardly see my spine because of the water retention. I could tell he was nervous. I actually felt bad he got such a difficult patient.

That nightmare was worth it. I got some relief and a bit of sleep between contractions.

I had really wanted to give birth naturally; avoid a cesarean section at the very least. The OBGYN let me press on until the next day, because the baby was still doing fine. But I just wasn’t dilating, so I had to go under the knife.

As the surgeon cut into the first layer of skin, I said “ouch!”, and he immediately stopped. I didn’t just feel tugging, like they said I would; I felt the sharp pierce as the scalpel broke through my skin.

My body doesn’t play by the rules.

So they fed more drugs through my epidural line, waited for me to feel less, and they started again. This time I didn’t feel the first cut, but I did laugh out loud when the surgeon cut into the next layer. It tickled.

Amid the chaos, our beautiful baby girl was born. I knew she was okay when she cried. I was conscious just long enough to see her squishy newborn face sticking out of the receiving blanket when a nurse brought her into my field of vision.

My life was changed.

Gentle Calm

I wrote in my last blog entry that I wasn’t worried about the odd things that started happening near the end of my pregnancy. I was in good hands, being watched carefully. I was at the weekly check-up point. Everything was okay.

EERRRT, Hindsight yelled. Wrong answer.

Things change quickly in pregnancy. And it’s hard to see the bigger picture when you’re measuring day-to-day. Over and above that fact, my body doesn’t play by the rules.

So, at thirty-nine weeks pregnant, I drove myself thirty minutes down the highway for my prenatal appointment. I waddled into the office, a little out of breath and a lot exhausted. We discovered another five pounds in water weight when the nurse weighed me. My feet were white Shrek feet. My blood pressure was high.

My doctor was very calm. She didn’t tell me what the blood pressure numbers were, and I didn’t think to ask. She simply told me that I needed to go to the hospital straight away. Her voice was even and soothing when she explained that the nurses would check the baby with a non-stress test, and the on-duty OBGYN would check my cervix and decide whether or not to admit me and induce.

With a smile, she said I would more than likely be a mom in the next few days.

The receptionist offered to walk me to the hospital, but I didn’t want to leave my car in the wrong parking lot, so I drove. She told me later that she was really worried about me and the baby.

But when you’re that sick, people do everything possible to keep you from freaking out. Soft and gentle tones and facial expressions are a must for everyone with high blood pressure.

They were expecting me in the maternity ward. After they got me settled into a comfy green gown and onto an exam bed for the non-stress test, I called Tim. I was eerily calm myself, though only as a reflection of what I’d seen so far.

The baby was still doing great – no worries there. I was admitted into the only single room on the ward. In case you’re wondering, that is not a good sign, but I didn’t know it at the time. The single room happened to be right next to the nurse station.

They were monitoring my blood pressure every thirty minutes. Again, the nurses didn’t tell me how high it was, and I was too stunned to ask. The OBGYN decided to induce. He told me that it would be a long process, so it was okay for Tim to finish his day at work, pack our overnight bag (yes, I was unprepared), and then drive to the hospital.

When he got there, he saw the numbers on the blood pressure machine. 199 / 119 (with medication).

No wonder people were worried! Normal blood pressure is below 120 / 80, and hypertension is defined as blood pressure consistently higher than 140 / 90.

Preeclampsia is a serious complication that can result in the death of the mother and child. It can only be cured by giving birth. The good news: the baby was developed enough to make this a very attractive option. If I was diagnosed with preeclampsia before the baby was ready to survive outside of my uterus, we might have had to wait.

Also under the category of good news: I have no doubt that I would have died, maybe my baby too, if we weren’t in a hospital. As little as eight-five years ago, we also probably would have died.

What happened in the next few days is a blur, but I’ve pieced it together with some help.

Confidence

The longer I was sick, the harder it was to imagine being well. Remembering healthy Jenn was more imagination than memory because I was so far from it, in both time and space.

As I began to resign to a life of understanding simple ideas only after a replay, I pulled away from my family and friends. Only one person believed that my brain symptoms were caused by my heart: my family doctor. Dr. Heart thought it had more to do with Fibro than anything.

So I thought that even if my heart was fixable, I would still be stupid.

I couldn’t write when I couldn’t connect one simple idea to another. The skill I had was gone; and my dream was out of reach. I was heartbroken.

At a certain point, after being lost in a story for a long time and finding no way to get my thoughts across, I realised that it was out of my control. I couldn’t write well enough to fake it with good editing. My brain just didn’t work the way it had before I was sick.

Unintentional-existential-crisis-mode kicked in. Who is a writer who can’t write? Useless.

Okay, if a wordless writer is useless, I reasoned, then I have to become someone else. My parents always told me that I could be whatever I want to be. Who did I want to be?

I didn’t want to be sick, but my world was defined by cardiomyopathy and Fibro. They were part of the new Jenn. I wasn’t sure if I could be more. And as I was trying to figure out my new life and my new mind, I couldn’t connect with the world.

Never mind the fact that I felt like I was living under water while my friends and family were living on land; change is hard for relationships. Ambiguity is worse. When there is nothing to confide in people, it’s hard to connect.

Phoebe: Want to go to a rock concert tonight?

Jenn: I don’t know.

Phoebe: Are you interested in rock climbing?

Jenn: I don’t know.

I was so focused on making a new life for myself, I never imagined that I would wake up in the hospital one day pretty much back to normal. My mind couldn’t dream up a story with an ending like that.